Terms of Endearment

Photo taken from Site

"You dirty bitch"  My Harry says to me with a smirk.  I laugh every time, it is our thing.

"Being your wife means I am always ready to be embarrassed."  I'd say in front of others, and it is true.  He laughs with a funny glint in his eyes, and he throws a kiss in the air for good measure.

"I can't believe I married you sometimes, just look at us."  I said, and he'll say,  "Ha ha, you are screwed.  I am Jewish and you are Chinese, which one of us do you think made a bad deal?"  People around us chuckle, and they call us an odd couple.

When we are by ourselves, he calls me "Lov-ee", and I call him "Doctor Evil".

I don't know how it happened to be, in my twenties, I thought the language of love should sound more like...love.

Sometimes I tickle him bad, he blocks me off.  I tried and tried, and then I'd say, exasperated, "Can't you just stay still so I can tickle you already?"  

I am the only one who is allowed to pet his bald head, people around thinks I am being rude, they told me I am making him more insecure about his shinny head. "Rubbish" I said, and I make a point of stroking his head right then.

"I look beautiful don't I?"  He says smiling, mighty proud too.

Recently, a few years into our marriage, things got a little morose.

"Move over to your side."  I push him to his side of the bed at night, he responds, "You stay on your side."

You see, our cats sometimes squeeze us in, they each take one side of the bed, and the two of us are trapped in the middle all through the night.

"Someday I will tell your skeleton to move to your side of the coffin."  He'll say.

"If I die first I will haunt you."  I told him, then I added, "You are not allowed to die first."

"Oh, and if you ever cheat and leave me for a younger woman, you'll loose your balls." I say this quite a bit, it is set in stone and he knows it well.

"Yes, if I ever want to cheat, I will just cut them off myself."  He answers.

"No, don't you dare do it yourself, the pleasure is all mine." I'd say.  But I guess I went overboard with this threat, sometimes use the nuke on lesser crimes than cheating, which prompted him to ask me,

"Is there any scenario where I get to keep Humpty Dumpty?"  I'll admit this is a fair question.

I am not sure why we are like this, but I have a feeling this is a good marriage make.

Jackie

Chick lit

I am one among hundreds
sit waiting at eye level
For a lady to come searching
to be captured by my title

I lure her with a young man
dashing in mails of metal
In foreign lands so long ago
swording in a gruesome battle

I threw in dragons and fireballs
Speeches of enemies immortal
But I know she had no interest
Save for love scenes that follows

Her hands grips me tight
as she hears my tale of sorrow
When a sharp arrow came flying
pierced the heart of my hero

My lady holds her dying love
she mourns for my made up fellow
Tears streaming down her face
turn my page wet and yellow

Jackie

A nod to Roosts

iStockphoto.com

Here in the US, the NPR station has a three minute fiction contest and the winner piece for this month is named Roosts by Zach Brockhouse.  It is a beautifully written story, very original, please do read it.  The picture above goes with his story.  For this competition, writers are asked to submit a short fiction that began with the line, "Some people swore that the house was haunted," and ended with the line, "nothing was ever the same again after that."

For fun, I thought I'd give it a try tonight.  I think I will name it Midnight.  So here it goes:  

Some people swore that the house was haunted.  Mother says differently, and she was the one with the facts.  You see, it is easier for others to blame the house because it is worse to let us believe my baby sister was possessed.  They told us we could leave the house and there, problems solved.

Mother wouldn't have it though.  She'd say it wasn't the house and she was sure of it.  She would repeat to them the story of the hospital visit, when Grandpa had a cholecystectomy and she brought my baby sister along to see him.  My sister was only a toddler she said, and before she was inside she was happy as a bee, cute as a button.  But after, Mother exclaimed, after my sister was brought into the hospital she went crazy. 

"My baby cried so hard she went upside down in her carriage, I thought she'd choke.  Something awful happened to her there."

Yes but that was also around the time when you moved into the house isn't it, people would counter.  But I knew there was no convincing Mother, she wanted to be right so bad.

It comes and goes her crying, the same ghastly tone in her wail every time.  It always happened at midnight, and stops within a minute.  I had heard it of course; I slept next to my sister in the same bed all those years.  Grandma came to witness once, and the next day she came back with some Buddhist charms and amulets and she asked my sister questions.  It won't work Mother would say.

Mother preferred the bible; she placed one between our pillows.  The Lord Jesus Christ will protect you, Mother told my sister.

Protect her from what I wondered, the ghost was rather courteous.  My sister grew tall, she learned to ride a bike, she did her homework okay, what's a little crying in the middle of the night?  

But Mother had to be right, the bible had to work.  The crying is less she assured everyone.

She didn't know I had made deals with the ghost.  On some nights I told him to hush it because I had a test the next day.  He was rather obliging; he must have cared about us.

Except nothing is so simple, in death or in life, change is inevitable.  When my family moved to a new country, the ghost had to decide.  He chose to stay in the house and not board a plane with my sister.  In the airport we were nervous but my sister, she didn't look any different.  We said goodbye to many and crossed an ocean, and as it were nothing was ever the same again after that. 

Jackie      

  

A Family Rhapsody

My parents and sister are in town this week for my mom's 6oth birthday visit.  They are all staying with us in our two bedroom apartment, and I am glad no one gets killed yet.  I would like to record here some conversational highlights, but first, let me acquaint you with the players:

Dad - A very loving father but a highly eccentric Chinese man.  He is a passionate photographer who walks everywhere with his bag full of Pentax equipment and Russian made lenses.  He is also a big proponent in overthrowing the oppressive pseudo-communist regime in China through endless discussions in political forums to promote free-speech (of sorts) in said nation.  He also likes to tinker with other people's computer by installing whatever he fancies.

Mom - The only religious person in the family, she is of the Bible Thumper persuasion (the Chinese Canadian religious from this group typically has no idea of the history of religions except what is written in the translated bible in the most literal sense).  She is very nervous and will freak out over the smallest thing.  She is an excellent cook and will freely give cooking tips out of nowhere.   

Sis - Recently broke up with a guy we were sure would be our bro-in-law.  She seems to be over the guy but not yet officially on the prowl.  She is historically an unbelievable dude magnet (it is possible she is a babe magnet as well), particularly for the geeky successful type who own Internet companies or write ridiculous software codes for a living.  Oh and those with even an itsy bitsy wee bit of yellow fever.  The attraction is simple to explain: she is a geeky dude writing ridiculous software codes for a living, except she does it in a hot Asian chick body.

My Harry - Impatient son-in-law.  Bald and former Israeli tank commander. Does not heed the oft repeated advice by his much wiser wife and sis-in-law to keep his nerves.  He listens to what dad says verbatim and therefore reacts inappropriately.  He dislikes religion but unfortunately knows too much of its' history.  His voice goes high pitch when he is agitated.   

Peter Cottontail the cat - Though never been in question before, his loyalty is now seriously in doubt.  True to his nature, he is cautious and suspicious of new people the first day.  But with three new bellies available to lie on at night, Peter was found sleeping on Sis' tummy instead of mine last night, and he was subsequently been called a traitor. 

Josie the cat - A complete mistress of herself always, Josie has not changed one bit from this visit thus far.  The golden rule in the house has not changed:  only the cats are allowed to eat meat occasionally.  Today Josie caught mom chewing pieces of illegal beef jerky in the room.  She meowed her disapproval and called for immediate seizure of the apparent kitty nibble.

Me - I leave it to you the reader to decide what I am from my other posts.  The only thing I will say is I am the wild card in this scenario, sometimes I am the mediator, sometimes the victimized daughter, sometimes the agitator...

I have noticed that conversations between related individuals are never simple, or make much sense.  It is interesting to see how dialogues turn topsy turvy very fast, here are some examples from this visit:

Conversation 1

(Over the dinner table)

Dad:  "I go to these fashion shows and photography expo, I meet lots of models." 

My Harry:  "What?  Where?"

Dad:  "Toronto, all in Toronto.  Pretty big fashion scene there."

My Harry:  "My impression of Toronto is all ghetto Chinese restaurants." 

Dad:  "No, lots of models."

Me:  "You meet models dad?  Seriously?"

Dad:  "Yeah, they keep asking for my business card.  They follow me around."

My Harry:  "What?"

Dad:  "They want me to take their pictures.  I tell them I don't have any business cards.  I just take their picture and walk away."

Me:  "I am impressed dad." 

Dad:  "I am old you know."

My Harry:  "I should see Toronto again."

Dad:  "They are really pushy, I don't like them.  They keep bugging me."

Me:  "What kinds of models?"

Dad:  "I'll show you.  I'll show you."

Me:  "Huh, who would have thought it."

Dad:  "What can I say, I am a dork."

Conversation 2

(In the car, completely out of the blue) 

Mom: "So my Harry, do you believe in Jesus?"

My Harry: "Well, the Jews killed him."

Mom: "what?"

My Harry: "I wasn't there that day though."

Mom: "So you don't believe in Jesus then?"

Me:  "If I have to pick a religion today, it would be Buddhism."

Mom:  "Why not Christian?"

Me:  "I am still doing comparative shop."

My Harry:  "The Jews do not believe in Jesus, plus I am not religious."

Mom:  "Christians are good.  Christians are never violent."

Me:  "err...okay."

My Harry:  "I have a rule, I do not discuss God and football on the same day.  Today is football day."

Mom:  "The Jews killed Jesus."

Me:  "That's like....ancient history ma."

Mom:  "My Harry, Jews should believe in Jesus.  It will be good for you."

My Harry:  "Not today though.  Today is all football."

Conversation 3

(In a giant electronics store.  Sis is looking for a stereo system)

Me:  "So, you want to buy this stereo system huh.  Well it is on sale for $299."

Sis:  "It is cheaper here." 

Dad:  "No don't buy! this is cheapy stuff...cheapy stuff."

Me:  "Dad, she listens to cheapy music."

Sis:  "That's true."

Dad:  "NO NO NO"

Sis:  "Well, my current set is more than eight years old."

Me:  "I don't even have one." 

Dad:  "This is cheapy.  Don't buy this."

(Dad dragged sis to another section at the store.)

Me:  "Well, are you buying it?"

Sis:  "No, dad convinced me to spend a few thousand dollars on an amplifier and a good pair of speakers."

My Harry:  "What?"  (high pitch)

Me:  "Hold on..wait a sec.  Why are you buying anything at all?  Why don't you just find a dude comes with those fancy gadgets.  Don't you usually have one of those by now?"

Sis:  "That is true.  I'll need to think about this."

Conversation 4

(Dad lifted Josie the cat by the shoulder and staring straight into her eyes for no apparent reason)

Dad:  "What's wrong with your cat?"

Me:  "Dad, what on earth are you doing?"

Josie the cat:  "Who do you think you are?"

Me:  "Dad.  Put her down!  Staring into a cat's eyes is the same as challenging her." 

Dad:  "I don't think she likes this."

Josie the cat:  "Give me fish."

Dad:  "There are cats out who would like this."

Me:  "This is crazy!  You are upsetting her.  Put her down right now!"

Dad:  "Theoretically cats should like this."

Josie the cat:  "Extra brown stuff on your pillow it is."

Dad:  "Your cat's weird."

If you are alarmed at any moment while reading this post, don't worry, it's all good, it is nothing more than affectionate mocking between family. 

Jackie



A bizarre dream

Picture taken from site

I dreamt I was inside a large room of a very grand estate. The room was old and plush like one from the turn of the century, full of dark colors and antique furnishings. The sunlight was beaming through a large window, and the shadow of the window panes casted on the wooden floors. The house may have been English, or perhaps French; I am no expert to tell. I walked across the room and my footsteps echoed; it was a pleasant sound, brisk and commanding.

But as I walked I was aware of many restrictions on my movements. When I looked down I saw the spread of a heavy skirt. I felt the tightness on my waist held together by a clever corset, which also anchored the weight of the skirt. I wore an enormous hat, and the bottom of its broad brim shielded part of my vision. I did not know what the hat looked like, but I was sure it was an ornate one; perhaps covered in flamboyant plumes and elaborate fabric trims. The hat was held tight on my head cocked to one side, which was perfectly balanced by the coiffure of my hair.

I moved towards the window and I looked out. I saw a party of men and women sitting outside in a garden. There were rose bushes and willowy trees behind, and the people were dressed to the same style as me. They were beautiful like an impressionist painting. I stood there watching them laughing and chatting easily together; while my gloved finger stroked the face of a brooch high on my neck, the weight of it suspended at my collar. I felt its contours and decided it must be lovely too, though I did not make out what it was. A lady saw me and she called out for me to join them. The next thing I was transported outside.

"Come, come my dear sister. Do join us." She waved her arm wide to one side. The men stood up and smoothen their tailored jackets.

She called me her sister, but I did not recognized her. She was small and delicate. I was faintly aware that I was no longer myself, but there was no mirrors about to let me see my face. Yet I assumed this role easily enough and I waved back at them. There was a man opposite to the lady; he was the first to stand, but he did so very slowly. He was tall and handsome, and he smiled at me.

"Will you not join us?" The lady asked again, framing the choice as an ambiguous one. I saw the table in front of them was laden with food and drink served in exquisite China and the party was waiting for my answer. The beautiful man looked at me knowingly and inexplicably that settled the matter in my head.

"No, I believe I will go for a walk." I said.

"An excellent idea." The man said, suggesting he planned to join me. I took one good look at him, and I thought his handsomeness was only surpassed by his gentlemanly manners.

"Yes, a walk is a fine idea." My make-believe sister wished to join us as well.

The next scene the three of us were strolling on a narrow lane, flowers and trees all around us.  I did not know our direction but I determinedly pressed on. I didn't say very much, but I guided the other two. The lady mindlessly followed while talking nonstop, the gentleman kept very close behind me.

"What a beautiful day, it is so wonderful to be out." The lady said.

"It is always very fine this time of year." The gentleman answered.

"Do you think there are many birds around? It sounds like there are many." The lady continued.

"It certainly does." The gentleman replied.

Their silly conversation continued like this, his politeness never failed him. But I felt his interest was entirely feigned, which made me like him even more. So we walked on, and the lane began to widen. At first there were still trees about, then suddenly we were in an open field. The sky was clear and bright, but the sudden vastness was slightly disconcerting.

The next scene we were approaching some kind of farm. There was a decrepit split and rail fence and a sorry looking farm house in the field. We stopped to survey our surroundings. The lady again spoke.

"What a charming farm." She said.

"Beautiful country indeed." The gentleman replied.

"What are you talking about? This is covered in shit." I said, pointing out the obvious. The lady pursed her lips.

"You are correct, so it is." The gentleman said.

The muddy shit was thick and we were foot deep in it. I passed through the fence and I headed to the direction of the farm house. The gentleman again followed me close behind. The lady however stayed behind.

"We should have dinner." She said. That was the last time I saw her.

There were farm animals scattered about in the field, chickens, pigs, cows. Each one of the them was missing one limp, and they were covered and lying in shit. The animals were in such terrible shape I couldn't tell if the chickens were roosters or a hens, their feathers had completely fallen. I tried to reach out to them, but they tobogganed away on their stomaches, their remaining limps desperately propelling them in the thick shit. They were moving slow, but I moved slower in my binding dress, and eventually they were gone from my view.

The next scene I was inside the farm house observing the total chaos inside. The floor indoors was covered in shit as well. I looked down and my skirt was stained, and my footsteps were sticky to the floor. It was a more modern house, the kitchen was in front, and there were filthy furniture about, some fallen broken chairs here and there. The farmer and his woman were in the room, but they were not surprised to see me. At first I wanted to ask them about the animals, to see about improving their situation. But then I looked at the two people in front of me and I saw that they too were covered in shit, I didn't think they were in control anymore than the animals.

"Your neck is covered in shit sir." I said.

"No'm, I ain't." He said. His mouth opened wide and many of his teeth were missing.

"You and your lady, you two are covered in shit." I said, again pointing out the obvious.

They didn't answer. The farmer stared at my neck. His woman too, they were both looking intently at the direction of my brooch, my hand instinctively went there, again stroking the face of it.

"You have a lovely place." The gentleman said to the farmer. I had forgotten all about him.

"Would you like some food?" The farmer's woman asked.

"No." I answered bluntly.

"Perhaps another time." The gentleman politely answered, his manners remains impeccable in all this horror. I was shocked at him.

At this point it was near the end and I became very angry. I wanted to make a scene and protest against the state of this place. I tried to bend down and pick up some shit. I would like to throw it at the gentleman. But I was stuck, the dream would not allow me to do such a thing.

Jackie

This was my dream from last night. If there are any Freudian disciples out there who would like to analyze it for me, I would love to know the meaning. Feel free to comment and tell me I am nuts. :)

The things people say

I have noticed one interesting trend on Facebook: People like to put famous quotes on their status updates. Now I must admit I am a facebook addict. This is not just some carefree pastime for me, I take my social media experience rather seriously. I take good care of my Facebook persona, I make sure my pictures are perfect and I edit my albums like I am some magazine editor, and I am very choosy over what I 'like'. I care because I think people can and do get to know me through my comments, pictures, posted links and so on, and likewise I spend the time to know my friends through theirs. So I find quotes on status updates a bit unsettling because I don't entirely know what to make of them. It bothers me that I don't see a hint of the 'friend' in the quote. Take the following example:

Exhibit A from friend: -starts- "Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact." ~ William James. -ends-

This just leaves me completely nonplussed. I would like to know if this has affected his life, I want to know what he thought of it, I do not want to succumb to an impulse of cynicism and think him sappy.

I admit this is actually my problem, because words like these make me uncomfortable. For the longest time I thought they are nothing more than pretty words at best, some pithy lines by those otherworldly types. I suppose they are meant to be seeds of ideas, packaged and delivered like in that Inception movie, messages from the wise to jolt us out of ourselves. Still I cannot help being irritated when they are thrown around thoughtlessly and impersonally, even though I try to heed the message in the end. I seriously wonder, how many people out there actually listen and change their lives over hearing someone else's punch line anyway?

But then recently, after some bizarre happenings in my life, I sort of developed a taste for reading famous quotes and feel pleasantly surprised to discover that they actually DO apply to me. At least they do now.

So I hereby compiled a list of quotes I personally live by. I have selected them because they are true and tested by yours truly. I find these sayings powerful, universally applicable, logically defensible, teachable, uncompromising, not too grand but suitable for daily wear and tear if you know what I mean. So here it goes:

(The wording below may be inaccurate but this is how I know them)

1. "What do you mean you don't want to listen to someone because she is awkward and she is ugly and she has bad breath? I would learn from a three year old who poops in diapers if the lesson is good." ~ my father

2. "Don't do nothing because you can't do everything. Do something. Anything." ~ Colleen Patrick-Goudreau

3. "If a woman dress smart, they will notice the dress. If a woman dress impeccably, they will notice the woman." ~ Coco Channel

4. "The guy who says he can't do something and the guy who says he can are both profoundly right." ~ some Chinese guy via Will Smith

5. "First they ignore you, then they mock you, then they fight you, then you win them" ~ Ghandi

If anyone out there is interested in knowing what I do with them, drop me a line and I will gladly discuss with you ad nauseam. But now comes the real punch line...something I have come up with myself:

"I do not find pieces of a corpse delicious anymore. Oh thank you for all that is holy!" ~ Jackie

(If you don't understand my line it is because you have not read Josie the Cat post yet)

One of these days I will put it on my Facebook page and let them unfriend me all they want.

Jackie

Lyrics in a Song

Yesterday I drove out to a park to catch the fall colors by myself and while I was on the road I heard a NPR show that really caught my attention. It was an interview of Stephen Sondhien, the lyrics writer who wrote those famous songs in Sweeney Todd, Gypsy, and West Side Story. Remember this gangster's song from West Side Story?

(sings)

When you're a Jet,

You're a Jet all the way

From your first cigarette

To your last dyin' day.

When you're a Jet,

If the spit hits the fan,

You got brothers around,

You're a family man!

You're never alone,

You're never disconnected!

You're home with your own:

When company's expected,

You're well protected!

Then you are set

With a capital J,

Which you'll never forget

Till they cart you away.

When you're a Jet,

You stay a Jet!

- by Stephen Sondheim

Brilliant huh! Well, this is masterful I think. I need to write some lyrics too, for a song. And it is sang by a little boy who learned it from other little boys sung to impress little boys in general. It is a hunter's song. I want it to be a timeless one, non-period specific. I couldn't sleep last night, and this was what I come up with:

(sings)

Oh, the mornin' is sunny and gay

Time to leave home with our gears

I feel like we'll be winners today

when we hunt those far and near

Why you do not think so you say

Too long we wait for a deer

Bet you are wrong and you will pay

Hidden they prick 'em pointy ears

In time young ones come out to play

Too soon they forget their fears

Their mom is busy to chase them away

She watch not her exposed rear

The moment has come to shoot hooray!

Her scream rings loud and clear

You've lost a bet, come see where she lay

She's dead you owe me a beer

- by moi

This is what I've got so far. It's fun ain't it!

Jackie